Homework
by No but maybe
Summary: Why is Kotetsu and Izumo stuck grading homework? Why is Kotetsu so pissed off? Just what is The cardigan of doom? Read to find out. Rated for language. Oneshot.


Note: This is written as an answer to a challenge by anotherjounin at nf forums.

The challenge read:

_I challenge you Naruto fanfic writers to write a literate (spelling and grammar count) non-yaoi fanfic about Kotetsu and Izumo. Rating can be anything up to 'R' for violence only. Length... at least two pages, more if you're inspired. And it must include the following lines, said by either of the two!_

_"This paper's no good."_

_"I don't think anyone wants to die."_

_"Have you ever seen Iruka completely plastered?"_

_"The cardigan of doom!"_

_"They said it was a squirrel- I don't believe it."_

So without any further ado, I give you:

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**Homework**

"Well, I've read enough. This paper's no good." Kotetsu got his feet off the table and reached for the red pencil. Izumo watched in disbelief as his friend scribbled a big "F" on the first page.

"Kotetsu, you didn't even read it all the way through."

"I kept falling out. If it can't hold my attention for two pages I give it an F for "Fucking lame."

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh? They're only kids."

"Oh, come on! Listen to this drivel: _My goal in life is to be a medikal-nin. My fater is a medical-nin and so is my mum. They help peepol – _spelled pee ee ee pee oh ell –_ to not die. When you die, you cant play or be happi anymore because you are dead. I don't think anyone wants to die. That's why my ultimat goal is to be a medikal-nin like my parents…_ I mean, there's a spelling error in almost every damn sentence! It's…

"I think that's an admirable goal." Izumo interrupted, "To want to help people, to pass on family traditions. I mean, come on. She's eight."

"Yeah, ok, whatever. I'll give it an A." Kotetsu crossed out the F and wrote an A instead. "Happy? Next paper."

He picked up another and started reading. Izumo was staring at him. He couldn't concentrate with Izumo staring at him.

"Now what?"

"You're not taking this seriously at all, are you?"

"I'm…I mean, what's to take seriously? We're chuunin, the hokage's personal assistants in fact, and we're grading papers! Two-hundred papers!

"Ok, stop screaming already. You might wake him."

The two of them glanced over at Iruka's bedroom door.

"Then again, maybe not."

Silence ensued.

"We're talking about this."

"What?"

"I said we're talking about this. I don't know why you're so pissed off. We've had crappy missions before, and you've never bitched this much. Whatever it is, you should just get it out of your system instead of flunking a bunch of innocent kids."

"Okay."

"Good."

"I had a date tonight and… Don't look so shocked. I get dates."

"I'm sorry, I just… With who? Ramen girl?"

"Yeah. And her name is Ayame, not "ramen girl", okay?"

"Ayame, got it."

"Right, and it just pisses me off, y'know? I finally work up the guts to ask her out, she says yes…"

"I told you she would."

"…She says yes, and I'm stuck here grading the inane ramblings of these little retards."

Izumo chuckled. "You'll never a family man with that attitude. Anyway, I don't see what the problem is. You tell her you had an urgent mission, which is true, and take her out tomorrow."

"It's not that simple. She works a lot of nights, and it's hard to find one we're both available."

"Dude, if it was such a big deal, why didn't you tell me? I would've done this alone."

"You'd do that for me?"

"I'd do that for myself, dude. You need to get laid so bad you're driving me crazy."

Izumo picked up book to protect his head from the inevitable attack. When no such attack came, he lowered his shield and saw Kotetsu smiling.

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah, well, don't get all emotional on me, okay?"

"Sure I won't. Let's get grading."

They did. There were three assignments in each paper; "My ultimate goal in life", "My report" and "My home-made jutsu". The first was just a basic writing exercise probably intended to get the young ones thinking of their future way of the ninja, the second was a report-writing exercise, and the third an attempt to make chakra control fun. The kids would make up a bogus jutsu and describe how the chakra involved theoretically would make it possible. I was the most fun to read by far, as the kids, who still knew very little of how chakra actually worked, would get some pretty far-fetched ideas. Kotetsu dropped the attitude after a while, and it turned into a surprisingly fun night, the two chuunin reading the best parts of their papers out loud for laughs.

"Oh!" Kotetsu said, "Here's a good one; _The unfathomable paradox of the missing candy bar is still the most tantalizing case the Konohamaru Corps has ever faced by far. The clues go nowhere, and nowhere fast! My parents are idiots. They said it was a squirrel – I don't believe it. Why would a squirrel steal a candy bar with no nuts in it? It doesn't make any sense. Needless to say, my parents are of course now obviously our prime suspects by far."_

"Unfathomable paradox? Did he spell it right?"

"I'm not really sure, do we have a dictionary?"

"This is Iruka's place. Unless that kid swallowed it, it's bound to be a dictionary somewhere."

"Yeah…Speaking of which, have you ever seen Iruka completely plastered? I mean, besides tonight?"

"I've never even seen him have a single drink before. Never figured him to be a drinker."

"Well, if he does this for a living, I don't blame him."

"I know. He's the real hero of Konoha. Anyway, read more from that paper, that kid rocks."

"Sadly, that's the end his report. But of course, we have his revolutionary new jutsu _"The Cardigan of Doom!"_ - that's with an exclamation point, mind you."

Izumo was rocking with laughter at this point.

"The idea is to contract the fibers of your opponents clothing, and thus strangle them. He made illustrations and everything…"

"That kid is a genius!"

"No, wait! I actually think some of his chakra calculations line up! I mean, the amount needed is miscalculated as hell, and the clothing would probably rip long before it could do any harm, but the basic premise almost looks doable."

"Seriously?"

"I think so."

"Dude! We should try it out on hokage-sama!"

Kotetsu and Izumo looked at each other. The moment was too intense for words. As Izumo pondered the possibilities, Kotetsu snapped back into action.

"This Udon-kid is _so _getting an A+…"

"Whatr you guysh doin here?"

They spun around to see Iruka standing in the door to his bedroom, swaying. He looked like the ghost of a corpse of a very pale man.

"Oh. Iruka-san. Tsunade-sama sendt us to grade the papers, as you were obviously… unable to do it on own tonight. You just go back to bed."

"I can't. I've got to..." Iruka felt his way along a wall heading in the vague direction of the stack of papers. "I-I've got to grade theze."

Izumo got up and held him by the shoulders, trying to make eye-contact.

"No, Iruka-san, listen to me. Focus, okay? Hello? Hi. I and Kotetsu will grade the papers _for _you. You are drunk. You just go back to bed and sleep it off, ok? Tomorrow, Hokage-sama expects you to report to her at two-o-clock so she can kick your ass. Got that?"

Iruka slowly looked over at Kotetsu, then back at Izumo.

"Well thath soundsh perfectly reashonable." He said. "I jusht…" He pointed at the bathroom.

"Oh, by all means. Go right ahead."

By some fluke of physics, Iruka made it to the bathroom without knocking over anything breakable. Izumo and Kotetsu sat in silence as he lost his lunch very loudly. Ten minutes later, he reappeared in the door and embarked on the perilous journey across his living room, waving away all offers of assistance.

"I'm sorry" he said, finally reaching his bedroom. "I'm a little drunk."

"Yeah, we kinda noticed. How'd you get this way anyhow?"

"Whaddyathink? By drinking."

"I mean, why?"

"Oh… That. Today, Kurenai accepted Sarutobi Asuma's proposhal for marriage."

"That's great! You guys were celebrating?"

Turning his face away from the two, Iruka made his way into the bedroom.

"Yeah, that's right. Shelebrating…"

The End.


End file.
